Saturday, May 24, 2008

Bill and Ted's Remarkable Falling-Out: Revised, and Perhaps Completed.

Poetaster's note: This is the complete screed. the first two parts, previously posted, have been somewhat amended.

PART ONE – “They Came To Worry Caesar”

Bill was a clever latch-key kid from the New South.
Ted was the youngest son of a stubborn aristocrat.

They met in a city of whitened sepulchers,
and they tried to stop the world from changing.

They saw to it that people
who were once manacled into oppression
would be patronized into insignificance.

They seduced generations of women
into trading their freedom for safety,
and they modeled the protocols for date rape.

They saw to it that sober clerks
who insisted on speaking hard truths
would be exiled for making the truth so hard.

They bravely stood up
against those vicious propriety fascists
by refusing to surrender
their recklessness and their perfidy.

They called their cynicism centrism.
They called their solipsism pluralism.

They turned all the scales into sieves,
and insisted on paying by the pound.

PART TWO - “Barack to the Future?”

Bill's driver's license
was revoked by the 22nd Amendment,
so Mrs. Bill had to drive him
to The Great Race

Mrs. Bill was eager
to give Ted a ride as well
although Ted's track record
was less than stellar.

Ted thought that girls
should remain in the back seat,
so he decided
to carpool with The Younger Man.

The Bills got their respective noses
all out of joint,
because they were counting
on Ted's gas money.

Bill sneered that Ted
looked like a middle-aged flake
riding shot gun
in the Younger Man's DeLorean.

He insinuated
that perhaps Ted was worried
that he couldn't cut it
with the soccer moms anymore.

When Bill couldn't cajol
or shame Ted back to his side
Bill insisted that The Younger Man
could never do all that driving:

Even the finest chauffeur,
he declared, (one time too many,)
needed the Great White Navigator
to call all the shots.

Now Mrs. Bill can't take her SUV
into certain neighborhoods,
and Bubba's in the rear view
as she tries to go forward.

Now Ted finally gets
to be the Big Brother -
and the Younger Man
is detoured to Camelot.

PART THREE –“ See Bill Stomp. Stomp, Bill, Stomp” .

Mrs. Bill misspoke
about her dangerous journey
to a war-torn land,
saying she had received gunfire
instead of fanfare.

Bill told the talking heads
that Mrs. Bill
had nothing to be sorry for,
just as Mrs. Bill
was finished apologizing.

Bill said The Younger Man
was living in a fantasy world –
but only because of his youth!
Never, never because of his race!!

Bill suggested that
perhaps the Younger Man
was playing the race card:
reminding everyone
that Bill was in Harlem
when he wasn’t in Chappaqua.

Bill and Mrs. Bill
blanched with pride and sorrow
as their little girl declined
to discuss Bill’s philandering
– twice.

Mrs. Bill did not fail
to remind everybody
of The Younger Man's snobbery,
but then she had to show everyone
her tax return.

Mrs. Bill became so agitated
by The Younger Man’s insolence
That she invoked the one Starr
she’d hoped everyone had forgotten.

The Joker stood by Mrs. Bill,
and so did Captain Fantastic,
and the Younger Man
was crushed in West Virginia.

PART FOUR - “Alas, Poor Ted; Alas, Poor Bobby.”

Ted was still standing pat
next to The Younger Man,
which continued to put him
at odds with Bill and Mrs. Bill.

Ted praised
The Younger Man to the World,
even as the people in his own backyard
went for Mrs. Bill.

Ted beamed and beamed
as The Golden Niece,
and Old Man McGovern,
and That Nice Edwards Boy
came out for The Younger Man.

Mrs. Bill continued
to call for her Northern and Southern armies,
but even Friends of Bill’s
began to abandon her.

The Hippie Terrorist and the Angry Old Preacher
did not help Mrs. Bill,
and it remained to be seen
if they’d really hurt The Younger Man

Mrs. Bill continued
to insist that she wasn’t going anywhere,
although The Younger Man
began to act as if she’d already left.

And just as it looked
as if Ted no longer held much sway –
Just as it looked as if Ted
was no longer relevant
– Ted got sick.

Ted got so sick
that everybody seemed
to forget everything,
And all thoughts turned to Ted
– including Mrs. Bill’s thoughts;

And Mrs. Bill meant to say,
“We all hope Ted will get better.”
But…. it came out,
“We all remember how someone
killed Ted’s brother Bobby.”

And all across the city
that Bill and Ted loved,
And all across the airwaves
that loved Bill and Ted,
There fell the loudest silence
of the whole ordeal.

COMING SOON: Who Shall Face Captain Endurance?

1 comment:

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